I Will Survive, I Will Endure
by Dungeonwriter
Summary: An AU to the night Ursa was forced to leave. Instead, Ursa made another choice and went down another dark path. And now, Azula questions why.
1. I will survive, I will endure

_I wrote this as an AU for a challenge of what could have happened if Ursa had not left the palace but had made a different choice. Hope you enjoy it!  
_

Done a lot of things that I'm not so proud of.  
Took a lot of turns, turned out wrong.

That's a worn out song.

Day by day moment by moment.

Takin my chances, trusting my heart. Wasn't to smart.

Lonely, as lost as I could be.  
No way it's up to me.

Letting go of my bad habits.

Hanging on the hold for better times. I'll be fine.

Learning to sleep in the bed that I made.

Laying the blanket where it belongs. I've gotta be strong.

Tear drops no one sees but me. I won't stop, I'll always believe.

_ -_**Stephanie Bentley**

** I Will Survive  
**

Year Twenty of Azulon's Reign:

Ursa did not flinch when she heard the horrible news. She had been born a princess and princesses did not have the luxury of losing their composure when faced with the worst. She had only prayed she had misheard her husband and daughter. "What did you say?" she whispered, feeling her head begin to ache. Her hair pin crown had been pulling her hair too tight.

"Father has decided to punish me. I have to kill Zuko so I feel the pain of losing a son. I'm sorry it will hurt you, but it must be done," Ozai said in a level tone. Ursa had a sudden image of the sun going dark right before her eyes. "Besides, we still have Azula. And we're young, we can have many more children. I know you will cry, my love, but it will be over soon. I won't make it painful at all. He is just a child, after all." If that was supposed to sound comforting, it had failed completely.

Still, the princess would never lose hope. She had always soothed her tempestuous family and she could do it again. "We must go and throw ourselves before the Fire Lord's throne and beg mercy from him. We will remind him of how enchanted he was with Zuko, how Zuko is an innocent boy of eight and how horrible it would be to lose your heir," Ursa said, thinking quickly. She had already gone through her mind of gowns to wear, knowing the dark red one reminded Azulon of his beloved wife Ila and would make him in a more sentimental mood.

"I don't think that is wise, my love. I would lose face before the court, a prince of the Fire Nation doesn't beg," Ozai said, taking her hand and squeezing it. His smoothly handsome face betrayed no sign of inner agony over the impending knowledge of the murder he had to commit.

Ursa knew that both had been trained to keep calm, but she had always been able to read her husband. Now, he just seemed empty inside. "I know it's hard for you, but trust me, this is all for the best." Of course. He would win back his father's favor. Azulon would believe justice had been done. Ursa would just have to endure opium or drink to soothe her pain. What a fair bargain. The pounding in her head was starting to get worse.

"My darling husband, I am begging you. I will do anything you ask, endure anything the Fire Lord demands, but I will not bury my son tonight. I will die before I allow my child, my baby boy to be a sacrifice to your ambitions. What will it take to change your mind?" Ursa demanded, finally losing her composure. Her great grandfather had been the Avatar and perhaps a small amount of his spirit remained in her.

"What? So if I demand that you kill my father, you would? Slay him and forge papers making me Fire Lord?" Ozai asked, with a mocking drawl to his voice. He had no concept of the lengths she would go for her children. In some ways, he had no concept of her as well.

"If I must." Ursa raised her head and stared at her husband for the first time with something beyond fond wishes. She was actively preparing to commit some violence, even before knowing the target. Her headache had sharpened her senses, making her ready for anything.

"And for that, if I strike you down or exile you, that wouldn't change your mind?" Ozai asked, his face clouding with anger. Ursa had never revealed this side to him and he must have been confused to what had happened to his docile little wife.

Still, his threats didn't cow her. "I am not afraid." Without her children, she had no need for this pampered life. These marble halls that had been her home had become her tomb while she still breathed. Only the people mattered to her.

Ozai stared at her for a long moment. "Tempting…but no. I will not have you will not defy me, dear wife. When I make a choice, you will obey it as the will of your husband, which is the will of Lord Agni almighty," he said in cold tone. "You will never defy me. And Zuko's death will remind you of the power of my family. I will make you watch it so you remember."

At that moment, Ursa couldn't exactly explain what happened. The hair pin had fell from her hair and into her hand and then into Ozai's throat. His shocked eyes were staring at her, looking terrified and confused and furious, before blanking out. It had gone straight into his windpipe, a perfect shot.

Ursa's upbringing had prevented her from screaming in terror of the sight before her. The aching in her head kept her wits about her, as she removed the hair pin and replaced it into her hair. Without waiting a second, she used strength she didn't have to push him out the window into her beloved lake. With her hidden behind him, anyone watching would believe her husband had jumped to his death. The fall into the rocky lake would break his neck and hide the wound as it shredded his body.

As Ursa heard the horrible noise outside, she allowed herself to finally succumb to grief and anger and guilt. She wailed in pain and sank to the floor, as guards rushed to her aid. "My husband, he threw himself…" she began, before sobbing. She didn't know if it was from sadness from losing her husband or terror that she and her son would be punished for what happened.

"Mom, what's wrong?" a high voice said, as two sets of small feet bounded into the room. Zuko and Azula were staring at her, looking to her for answers she could never give. They were the reasons she had done this.

"Your highness, should I return them to their rooms? The situation has become…very ugly," one captain said, following them into the room. He was a young man who was the best of the Fire Nation academies. He wouldn't understand a woman's pain and suffering yet. But he was trying very hard.

"Ugly? But is he…" Ursa asked, feigning terror through her tears. "Surely they will…" she didn't finish her sentences to spare her children. The night sky seemed to have gotten lighter as the sunrise began, a new day was arriving.

The captain shook his head. "Rocks. Sharp ones to prevent its use for spy missions. Never had a chance. My deepest apologies," he said, bowing deeply. He did look sorry, even if she wasn't. She would never stop mourning her husband, but she would never be sorry for what she had done.

"What's going on, Mom?" Azula asked, her hair mussed from sleep. "Why won't you talk to us?" she asked, her clever golden eyes boring into her, searching for some weakness to the story.

"Mom, I'm scared," Zuko whimpered. He was gently looking for some comfort, but she couldn't do it now.

"Mom doesn't feel well. Please, go back to bed. I will explain everything in the morning," she commanded. "I need to rest first."

The two babies of hers were ushered out to protests, but Ursa didn't care. There would be time for comfort soon. For one moment, she just wanted to be alone. She had won so much, she had lost so much and now she had to hope no one noticed.

"So, you see, my lord, my husband couldn't obey your command. He decided to take honorable suicide rather than shame himself or your majesty," Ursa explained, pressing her forehead to the floor. "Please, let my husband's sacrifice stand and spare my son."

"That displeases me. My son should have been strong enough to obey my demands," Azulon rasped and hissed. "But…the price has been paid. Zuko is spared." Those words belled victory in her ears. Everyone had believed her deception. "He will be given to Iroh to raise." And those words, did not.

"My lord?" Ursa wondered if the spirits of vengeance had finally caught up with her. She had committed murder and treason, she had no doubt that reckoning would come.

"Zuko was intended to be Lu Ten's replacement in death. Now, he shall be it in life. Iroh, my first born has no heir. I shall give him your son," Azulon explained. "I will send him to Ba Sing Se with a message that he will have another child to raise. That will give him the hope he needs to return to his campaign and burn down the Earth Kingdom."

Ursa's composure had been severly tested in the last day, and it was beginning to crack. "My lord….my son is but a small child, unworthy of such honor." She had planned to retire with her children to the countryside, not lose her son to a dear friend.

"Zuko requires a firm hand and a great deal of work. He is no prodigy, as your daughter is, but I have decided that my first born can teach him. He is of my bloodline, he must have the potential he needs to become Fire Lord someday. His letters indicate a preference for Zuko, so it must be him that is chosen to replace his cousin. Since Ozai has disgraced himself and removed himself from succession, I must work to make sure that the line is kept stable," the Fire Lord said sagely.

Ursa's breath caught in her chest. "I beg you, my lord. Iroh is a young man, he can sire ten more healthy sons. Please, my children are all I have. I fall upon your mercy to grant me the honor of raising your grandchildren," she pleaded, bowing again.

"My second son's mysterious death still bothers me," Azulon said, annunciating the word mysterious. The old man knew. Why he said nothing was a mystery as well, but Azulon had his own reasons for everything. The look in his eyes was furious. He knew she had killed his son and he was angry enough to take revenge.

Ursa would have to obey now or risk losing more. "Yes, your majesty."

"Tell your son to pack. I wish him to leave by tonight," he commanded. "You and your daughter will retire from court until I send for you. Frankly, I don't want to lay eyes on you. I have spoken."

"Mom, why do I have to go?" Zuko pleaded as he was dressed in a new suit of clothing. He looked so frightened. Poor child had no idea how close he had come to death and how this was all his beloved family's fault. He was too sweet and good for this family.

"Because Grandfather said so," Ursa repeated numbly. How tiny her little boy was. He needed her, how could she send him away? "I have to go away too. But you will write to me and I'll write to you and soon we'll all be together." The words sounded hollow, even to her.

"I don't want to leave," Zuko sniffled, sounding so betrayed. His hair had been slicked into the top knot of royalty. He was now second in line to the throne, the future Fire Lord. He would be a great leader, and she had placed him there. She had done this for his own good. It had been the only way to keep him alive.

"Uncle Iroh is a good man. You love him, don't you? Well, he's going to take care of you now, and teach you things, since Father went to Agni. And I'm going to teach Azula girly stuff. It will be so much fun," Ursa lied. It wouldn't be fun, but it would be for the best. Zuko would be in good hands. Iroh would love him and train him and treat him like a son.

"Why did Dad have to die? He wouldn't have let me be sent away," Zuko sniffled innocently, not knowing the horror that sired him. If Ursa had anything to say about it, he would never know how a night ago could have been his last.

"Hush. It won't be so bad," she whispered. "Be strong and remember, I love you. Never forget who you are," she urged him. _And never forget me_, she begged.

"I won't go, Mom. They can't make me," Zuko snapped, trying to look fierce as he clung to her leg. "I am staying with you. We can run away together. Bring Azula, we'll find Uncle and he'll make everything okay. We'll go together."

Ursa knew Zuko would be caned if he refused his grandfather. She had never allowed Ozai to apply such methods but Azulon would have no qualms beating his grandson into submission. He was angry enough as it was. "You must go, love." She couldn't watch him cry in pain and give him false hope that he could change his fate. "You'll write to me, won't you?" she begged, but she was unable to let go of him.

"Every day, I promise," Zuko wept, realizing finally that there was no hope. Even in his soldier uniform, he still looked like a small boy. He would be happy with Iroh. Iroh would be kind to him. She kept repeating that in order to keep herself from screaming. "But don't make me go."

"Your highness…the ship is waiting," Captain Zhao said. A cruel, disgusting young man who had been a close confident of her husband, he was no person proper to escort her son to battle. "Please come with me."

"No," Zuko hissed. "Go away. I'm not going anywhere," he said, burying his head in Ursa's skirts. "Mom!"

"Lady Ursa, I would beg you to tell his highness to come along with me and accept his new home. It would be a pronounced sorrow for me to be forced to drag or carry him, and it would displease the Fire Lord greatly." Zhao could coach his threats to sound benign, but no one would dare touch Zuko unless ordered by Azulon.

Ursa tried to let him go, but her hands were frozen in a clutching grasp on the son she was losing. She couldn't break his grip without hearing him sob and that sound tore her soul apart. "I am trying, Captain," she said, her voice finally beginning to break.

"Kindly try harder. Or rather, I shall," Zhao said, grabbing Zuko around the waist and ripping him away from her. "Come along, your highness. Behave yourself like a good boy."

"Mom!" Zuko screamed as he was wrenched away, helpless against the bigger man. All Ursa could hear was the sound of the dress tearing and the sounds of her son screaming in terror, echoing through the halls. Even after the screams had faded, they still roared in her ears. She had saved his life, but she had not managed to keep her family together.

She would never see him again, not as long as Azulon reigned. He had been thwarted and now he would punish her in the worst way possible. She had destroyed her happiness with her husband for her son, and now he would destroy her son, giving him away and leaving her to rot.

Hot tears ran down her face as she realized that it was all over. She had maintained her composure for so long, but now she succumbed to the acidy depression that filled her entire spirit. She had won, but at such a high price. Zuko was going away and she was helpless to stop him.

"Mom? Why do we have to go to the country? Mai says that her father said we're going away to Mira Island to live. Why are we leaving?" Azula whispered, tiptoeing into the room. "Doesn't a princess have to live in the capital?"

Poor little mite. She had no idea she was now the disgraced daughter of a traitor, that she was exiled and would be forgotten. There would be no more Fire bending lessons, no more crowns and jewels and silks. She would grow up to be married off to a minor official and bear sons. Even with her strange ways and cruel habits, she deserved better.

It was Azula who needed love and attention now. She would have many quiet months to bring out the goodness in her second child. No matter how hard it would be, she now had the golden opportunity. "Come, darling. Come and sit by me and I'll try to explain."

She had no idea what she would tell her. There was so much that would always have to be kept secret. But for now, Azula needed to know one truth. "I love you, Azula. I love you so much. And you will never understand a mother's love." Even though it had cost so much, it had all been worth it. "And from now on, you and I are going to be a family."

There was still hope.

_Year Twenty-One of Azulon's Reign: _

_Dear Mom, _

_Uncle conquered __Ba Sing Se__ today. He placed me on the __Earth Kingdom__ throne and everyone cheered me. I know you must be proud of me. I'm sending you and Azula some beautiful silk robes. I think of you every day. I miss you so much. Why won't you visit me? I know you're busy, but you can bring Azula too!_

_Zuko_

_Year Twenty-Three of Azulon's Reign: _

_Dear Mom, _

_We conquered Omashu. I myself helped plan the attack. My fire bending is great, everyone says I'll be a master soon. I miss you so much. I have gifts for you and Azula? Why can't you ask Grandfather to let you visit me? _

_Zuko_

_Year Twenty-Five of Azulon's Reign: _

_Dear Mom, _

_I'm going to the Northern Water Tribe as part of an Armada. We're going to make the world civilized like us. I hope you're well and I think you every single day. I know we will meet again. I keep begging Grandfather to let me see you. Someday, I will come back a hero and I will demand the right to see you. Wait for me!  
_

_Zuko _

The letters made it worth it.

* * *

AN-Sorry, but I couldn't make it all happy. But don't worry, Zuko and Ursa are eventually reunited. If you're wondering why Iroh is still at war, Zuko was sent to him before his spirit journey, so he hadn't become such a spiritual guru. So now he's an enemy. Sad, but that's life.


	2. Into the Fire

I didn't intend to write this, but Avocado love and Authorofthedark pressed so nicely, that I had to try and please them. Hope you enjoy it, not sure if I'll do more, but it's a gift for you both for any holiday you guys celebrate. So, what happened to our favorite princess? You are about to find out!

Into the Fire

Come on, come on  
Put your hands into the fire  
Explain, explain  
As I turn and meet the power

--

by 13 Senses

As she walked down the road, carrying a basket of wheat from the market, Azula had this overwhelming feeling of despair. Not only was the basket especially heavy today, but Azula shouldn't have been forced to drudge about.

No one would believe it, if they looked at her, but she had once been a princess. She remembered a palace with gold floors and servants in richly clad uniforms leaping to do her bidding. She remembered wearing a crown and watching people kneel before her. She remembered being a prodigy with a bright future.

Remembering those things made her angry. It had been six years since the day she and Mom had been packed off to a horrible island estate, with only three servants. There was no more fire bending lessons. There was no more nice clothing. And worst of all, she wasn't a royal princess anymore.

She didn't even look like one. Azula no longer wore a royal top knot but wore her down in boring braids like any village girl. Her nails weren't perfectly manicured, but roughened and cracked. Her tunic had plenty of stains on it and Mother said money for a new one would have to wait. "At least we'll be getting a letter from Zuko soon."

Azula grimaced at the name of her hated brother. While she slaved away as a laundry girl, her brother was the crown prince of the nation. Uncle had adopted him and now Zuko would be the future Fire Lord, while she would be cleaning the floors till she was gray and old. She, who had been quicker and smarter than him, reduced to being a peasant girl. There was no justice.

Reading his letters was the worst torture. _I have conquered…Uncle has said I am a master…_he would blather on, talking about honors that should have been hers. She had almost forgotten how to bend by now, fire needed constant practice and repeating the sets she had learned as a child wouldn't help if Zuko was being trained by the best.

So this would be her life. Trudging up and down the same roads, eating the same food and washing clothing for the same people. She would never command an army, she would never destroy her enemies, she would die some servant, forgotten by everyone. She, the direct descendant of Sozin himself.

Worst of all, today was her twelfth Zu-Zu's birthday, Uncle had showered that unworthy idiot with presents and a seven day party. Azula would be lucky if she got a nice cake. Her mother had no money for much more.

"Zula, you still haven't cleaned out the stables," Yoon called from down the window as Azula walked back into the house. "And next time, you should wash the silks more carefully. My husband is leaving in the morning for the Capital and he must look his best."

Yoon was the wife of Captain Zhao and the wealthiest woman in town. Grandfather had refused to send money to them and instead of demanding support from his royal tea loving kookiness, Mum had decided they would work for their keep and become serving women. "We are strong women, Azula. We don't need anyone's support." Mother had refused to even mention they were royalty. So instead, they were drudges, going by Ussa and Zula.

"Yes Madam," Azula called back. She wanted to shout back curses, but then they would have no money at all.

"There you are, my love," Mom said, looking up from her mending as Azula entered the back rooms of the house. Having Mom all to herself had been nice for a while. Without Zuko around, there was no competition for her attention. They had been talking a lot more and if they hadn't been living in abject squalor, life would have been good. "I need some help with some of the heavy loads."

Today was the day that she was going to finally know the truth. "Mom, can you be honest with me?" she asked, grabbing the soap from the shelf. "I want to know something."

"Of course, dear. It's your birthday," Mom said, as she began tossing Yoon's dirty clothing into the buckets.

"What happened?" Azula whispered. 'Why did everything change? I'm twelve years old, I deserve to know. And if you keep it from me, I will run away and find out he truth myself. Then it will hurt me. But you will be able to break it to me so it doesn't hurt. So you are all I have for the truth." It was open manipulation and she knew it.

Mom's jaw tightened. "Your father died and Grandfather said seeing us made him sad. He sent Zuko to live with Uncle Iroh and you with me here. I've told you this a hundred times." The hands holding the laundry was shaking. "And don't you dare tell me you'll run away. You're a poor girl with no money. You don't have ships at your command. You leave and you will have no food or place to stay."

"So instead, I get to live like a slave for the rest of my life, or until Grandpa croaks and Zuko can order us to return home so we can bask in his power and wait for coins to dribble from his fingers?" Azula demanded, as she heated the water with her bending. It was the only trick she still could perform.

"That is the decree. You have to accept it," Mom said coldly. "So let's hear no more of this." She turned away and began gently separating the colored silks.

Azula gritted her teeth. "There must be more. Look at us, mother. You're the mother of the Future Fire Lord and we're cleaning a captain's underwear. What happened? Father killed himself rather than kill Zuko, I get that. But why am I being punished?" she demanded.

"Not another word, young lady, or you'll go without dinner." And that would have been the end of the matter, if Azula hadn't been so serious about finding the answers, one way or another.

* * *

It hadn't been hard to leave the Island. Zhao's ship had barely noticed a single small girl sitting in the cargo hold, only coming out at night to steal food. It had been boring and smelly, but it had not been difficult. That was the most important thing.

It had been ever easier to get caught as soon as they had reached the capital. Knocking over the lantern had gotten the crew's attention to her, which had gotten her arrested. "And who are you?"

"My name is Azula. Son of Princess Ursa and Prince Ozai. Princess of the Fire Nation and heir to the throne," she said primly, taking out the royal medallion she had stolen from her mother, the last symbol of their identity. "Take me to my grandfather."

* * *

Azula remembered the Fire nation palace very well. She remembered every single tapestry, every carpet, every single servant's face. Little had changed since this had once been her home. And soon, it would be again.

Walking into the inner chamber had been thrilling. "Grandfather, I have returned home," Azula said, falling to her knees. Surely, he would forgive and love his prodigy granddaughter, his namesake. She could feel the familiar cool tiled floors beneath her forehead. It was like being home again.

"How dare you come here?" a creaky voice demanded. Azula looked up to see her grandfather, aged horribly but still looking as terrifying as ever.

"But you're my family," Azula whispered. Blood was stronger than anything and she was the blood of the dragon.

"You and your mother were banished. By coming here, you forfeit your life," Grandfather thundered. "I said I never wanted to see your faces again."

That wasn't true, Azula knew her mother would never do that, but if he believed it, she would play along. "My mother sinned. I was an innocent victim. I demand the chance to prove myself. I'm still your granddaughter. I am your name sake. You must still feel affection for me." Azula stood her ground. As long as she could still argue, she could not be executed. She had to be brave.

"How dare you?" Grandfather thundered. "You are as impertinent as you are foolish. You are a child, you have no business demanding anything." Still, he hadn't' ordered the guards to take her away.

"I'm twelve years old, Grandfather. I'm strong. Give me a chance to prove myself worthy," Azula whispered, pressing her forehead into the floor. "For my father's sake."

There was a long pause. Azula's heart beat in her ears. Either he would kill her or she would have a chance. "You are my granddaughter. My second born's second born. So I must temper justice with mercy," Grandfather finally said.

"I am your majesty's most humble servant," Azula whispered. She had done it, she would her honor back. She would have her people's love. She would have everything she ever wanted.

"You will seek the Avatar. When you return with such a prize, you will be reinstated as Princess of the Fire nation," Grandfather said. "If you are the prodigy you once wore, you will not fail me. Do not return to this nation without him."

"Thank you, Grandfather. Thank you," Azula whispered. A most appropriate mission, the task of all princes of the throne. She had won her freedom. She would win back her mother's place as a princess.

And then, Zuko would be in rightful places in the shadow.

* * *

It was two years later, when Azula finally admitted to herself the truth. This was no imperial cruiser, she was on some rickety ship with a poor crew and few supplies. She had lost the last member of her family and would never see her again. She missed her terribly and could do nothing to help her.

This was a wild turtle-duck chase, since there had been no sign of the Avatar.

"You were born lucky. He was lucky to be born," her father used to say. Not anymore, the former princess thought.

As she sailed through the world, missing her mother, losing hope, Azula was haunted by one more thought. Zuko had won again.

"Set sail to the South pole. Perhaps we can plunder some defenseless villagers for supplies," Azula commanded, still commanding what she could.

AN-I figure Ursa wouldn't beg and therefore, would find work and try and hide her identity to spare herself the pain. And Azulon is so mean, no? So which characters do you want to see next?


End file.
